Puke Fest

My exercise during the week consists of a set of 35lb dumbbells for curls, sit-ups and pushups about 2-3 times a week. Tennis 1 to 2 times a week plus, a bike every other weekend. I like to think I'm a little athletic.

HOWEVER, 5 days a week I sit in front of a computer for 9 hours a day.

So, people have been talking to me about my pudge around my middle section lately. (by lately I mean the past year or so). I think I'm fine. If I flex my abs and curl my stomach in such a way and in the correct lighting environment you can kina make out half a six pack... OMG! I GOT TUUUU do something about this!

So, my roommate has a pass to Bally gym. So I decided to join with him. I worked out a deal (where I am now someone else's brother and live at a different address, something about fooling the computer to get a cheaper rate) and got membership.

There I am still thinking I'm athletic, I get on the treadmill, Hrm... this is easy as I continue to push the buttons marked with a + and up arrows. So in now I'm running at 6.1 mph at a 5.5 incline. Peace of cake, this'll be my warm-up. So 15 minuets and about 1.5 miles later I push the cool off button and head toward the machines.

So I hit some machines, working my biceps, back muscles quads, pecks and finally abs. I can't leave without working the abs. So we get to the machine, I do 2 sets before I feel too queasy to continue.

"This is my last set" I tell him.

We go to the locker room where I wash off and cool down a little. I walk out and get in my car, barely able to move let alone operate a stick shift. We make it home and i realize there is an alkaline taste in my mouth.

I yell out, "I got 30 seconds before I puke, where should I go?"

I look around, there are no sewer drains close to the curb where I parked. I would never make it to a bathroom in the house. Would it be that bad on the lawn? Too late for any other ideas. I lean over and with one spastic abdominal thrust out comes A BLAST OF FLUID AND CHUNKS. It came out my mouth and through my nose with the force of a shotgun blast!

Queasy, disgusted and a little amazed at what just happened... I WENT FOR ROUND 2!!! Just as disgusting, just as powerful and just as much fluid.

Luckily, that was that, and just two short minute later, I was feeling fine.

What's the moral here? When feeling queasy and you get that alkaline taste in your mouth, you got 30 seconds to aim your mouth in a safe direction before it discharges. Or maybe, I'm not in as fit shape as I thought I was (nah).

Ouch! My Ischium!

So, this weekend was the first weekend where I wasn't helping people move. So I spent some time getting things done around the house then took my mountain bike and rode for a few hours to do a little exploring of my new environment. What is the matter with these bike seats!? They might as well be made out of STEEL because Sunday my ass/ischium bone was sore as all hell!



WHO DESIGNS THESE SEATS!? It's quite obvious someone who HATES mountain bikers and DOESN'T love Gloves or Gloves' Ischium wouldn't be this sore. I guess this is all my own fault, people tell me I should get padded pants or a softer gel seat or something to that effect. Maybe I'll just stuff my shorts with pillows, I'm sure the ladies would think that's attractive too.

Hair like a Guinea Pig

Sorry I haven't posted for a week, I just finished moving. All my stuff is still in boxes and I don't know where ANYTHING is.

This past week I have had the worst bed-head hair. Don't get me wrong, I shower each morning and brush teeth, I just can't find my comb. So when my hair eventually dries at work, I look like a guinea pig. Hair all over the place.

Not like this:

Awww, that's ADORABLE!!!


I mean more like:

"DAMN! Comb your hair you guinea pig!!!" That's what I was expecting people to say to me.

So I got out to get lunch like this!!! How am I supposed to approach someone seriously!? What's wired is nobody has said anything bout my odd choice in hair style. By Monday this should all be a thing of the past.

Foaming like a Rabid Dog!

A few weeks ago I went to took a trip to Orlando Florida. My mom thought it would be good give me this roll of "Airborne Formula" tablets. (See image) They are supposed to protect you from all the germs that are floating in and around airplanes and such. I didn't take any on the way to Florida, I decided to take them on the way back. While waiting in the crowded terminal for the plane to arrive, I remember my mom telling me, "Put them in your water bottle and drink it down." I'm looking at the tablet and I'm like, no way I'm messing up my nice crystal-clear water.

So, I'm looking all over the tube for directions. There is none. So I open it up, pop two into my mouth. Instantly I notice a funny feeling in my mouth. Something bubbly. Something tingly. SOMEHTING NOT GOOD!!! OMG!!! THEY ARE FIZZING LIKE MAD!!!

I have never had a fizzing medication before. I mean we have all seen/heard of "plop-plop, fiz-fiz, oh what a relief it is" commercials. But I have never needed anything like that before. So now I had AN EMERGENCY in my MOUTH!!!

I have to think fast, while thinking I'm trying to gulp down the fiz as fast as it's making it in my moth. I'm failing, it's making more than I can handle. I'm trying not to make a scene, so I'm thinking, I'll just break them apart in my mouth so they dissolve faster. THERE IS ONE MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THAT!!! ... THEY DISOLVE/FOAM MUCH FASTER!!!

So some foam is leaking out the front of my mouth; I catch it ever so sly-like with my arm as I look for a napkin/tissue or ANYTHING in my bag. I'm in 'full panic/play it cool' mode. I don't want to draw a scene and have paramedics called and try to perform CPR on the foaming idiot so, I come up with another BRILLIANT PLAN! This one is bound to work!

The Plan: If I swallow some chunks of broken DEVIL tablets there won't be as much foam in my mouth. So I try it. WORST THING I COULD POSSIBLY DO!!! It turns out, they still foam down there in my stomach causing me to burp UNCONTROLLABLY!!! But not a normal soda burp but a GURGLY, thick-slimy BELCH!!! You can't help it! It's foaming in my tummy and I'm doing these nasty burps looking like a cat coughing up a hairball and FOAM COMING OUT MY MOUTH ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! I'm frantically trying to catch the foam that is EXPLODING out of my mouth onto a piece of itinerary while placing my headphones on looking like I'm spastically listening to music.

Luckily, 5 minuets later (felt like half an hour) The tablets finally dissolved all the way. It turns out I'm such a cool, smooth guy that nobody seemed to notice, or at least didn't confront me about my spastic, foaming, convolutions. Crisis, averted... Moral of this story, NEVER EVER EAT ANYHTING IN TABLET FORM. Or if you must, always put it in water first!

Hrm, maybe that's not the moral, but close enough.

Where's my wallet? [Part 2]

Last time we learned I was about to open my office door... eh, just read the previous post.

Confidently walk up stairs 5 minuets early, open the door to the office and find SOMONE ELSE CLEANING MY DESK!!!

WHO IS THIS GUY!? I don't know him! The warehouse is always getting new guys, but where is the REGULAR GUY!? So I give him the evil eye, and walk to my desk, turning on my computer while checking my desk not seeing my wallet on it anywhere!

Ever so cautiously I check the bulk of his sweatpants for any unusual budge as he moves to the last desk to clean. DAMN IT! I can't tell! I watch him leave and then I furiously search everything on my desk. Well it only took me 2 minuets to put all the papers back in their random perfect order this time... DAMN HIM! HE took it and got away. Just then a call comes in and stars my business day, so I'll have to kill him later.

I couldn't focus at all. All I could think of is, 'HOW DARE HE! DOES HE KNOW WHO I AM!? I COULD GET HIM FIRED SO FAST!!!' By the time lunch came around I had a whole plan worked up! It was BRILLIANT!

Gloves: "Hey, There was a wallet taken off of my desk and I saw on the security camera (there isn't any in my office, but he doesn't know that.) that you took it! Now then, the boss doesn't have to see this security tape if you just hand over my wallet. And you'll still have a job." Then I sucker punch has ass once he hands it to me

Guy: "OW!"

Gloves: "You know you deserved that." Then I walk away a bad ass that nobody messes with ever again.

It can't fail!!! I'm BRILLIANT!!!

So I take a trip into the warehouse, and I walk up to him.

Gloves: "Hey there, you know how you washed my desk this morning..."

Guy: "No"

Gloves: "What do you mean NO!!!?"

Gloves: "Ya damn right you did!"

Guy: "No, No Englace"

OH HEEEEEELL-NO!!! ... SHIT! The one thing that could stop me dead in my tracks... It was used perfectly, like Kryptonite on Superman my plan was shot and thrown out the damn window! Why do we got to hire these non-English speaking kleptomaniacs!!!

Just then my boss got me on my Nextel 2 way and paged me up stairs! GAWD DAMN IT! This ISN'T OVER!!!

So, the rest of the day I was thinking of all the ways I would mug this guy after work, but it was a long-long work day and I didn't get out until 7:30pm (11 hour work day - WOW!) So by the time I got out, he was gone. DAMN HIM!!! *shakes fist in the air*

So then I tell the boss, "Hey-G!, I think one of your employees gaffled mah wallet, I left I on the desk, last night. It ain't there this morning. So if you have an employee with a broken leg tomorrow, you'll know why."

Boss: "Shit, have the warehouse manager translate for you with that guy..."

Gloves: "Oh, he'll know what I'm talking about before I'm through with him, in any case I'm out."

So, I drove my depressed ass all the way back home. Then to make sure, I cleaned all the junk out of my car when I found my wallet sitting in the back seat of my car. I must have thrown it back there with everything else I moved off the front seat so that my X Girlfriend could sit there!!!

OMG I'm SO STUPID!, More importantly, I'm glad I didn't do something really stupid like snap each one of his alleged klepto-fingers. So, I called my boss and let him know how stupid I was. He was like, "PFT, dumbass." I deserved it.

So, first thing I do tomorrow is photocopy and "back-up" my wallet, it's not the $52 cash that was in there, but the Credit Card, Bank Card, Drivers' license and most importantly, my 2 full Sub Club cards!

Where's my wallet? [Part 1]

I met with my X girlfriend last night and when I went to go pay for some dinner we had at Chipotle's (first time I been, not too shabby, just pricey for a McDonalds owned joint.) when I realized, I FORGOT MY WALLET AT WORK! Most likely on my work desk! This isn't a bad thing... wicki-wicki-WAIT! Did I say having dinner with my X GIRLFRIEND?! ... Yea I did. Weird. Nuuuu We aren't getting back together. I'm totally over it, and still looking ladies.

Back to me forgetting my wallet on my office desk at work... So I just realized that I left it there because, I take it out of my pants pockets because it's uncomfortable to keep it in my pats for that long. Even though I keep it in my front pocket, I take it off and put it next to my keyboard.

Well, don't panic Gloves, you were just about the last person to leave work, it was just you and your Boss and some warehouse guys wrapping things up. OMG! PANIC!!! Not too log ago the boss had a laptop ripped off! NU WAY!!! Ok, ok, okokok!, I got to think this though. I'm in the upstairs offices and there are only 4 people that work up there including me. See fine. *calms down*

WHAT!? WHAT about the guy who cleans our desks EVERY morning and always plies my papers into one huge stack? (Takes forever to get it back to it's nice organized mess)

Wait, he wouldn't dare take it, I know him, he seems like a really nice guy. He's always saying, "Good morning Gloves" and I'm always saying stuff to him and then he tells me, he doesn't speak English. I'm always like, "Right, Good morning to you too."

Good news! Usually doesn't get to my desk before me on my early days. Wednesday, I get to work at 8:30 (yea, usually it's 9:00), usually he's just starting the desks and I would rescue my wallet in time.

I'm feeling damn confident that I'll be there in time to pick it up.

So, I finish paying with the wad of cash I happened to have in my pocket for the dinner and the next day I wake up early and make sure I'm there early.

Despite not having my drivers license I did an un-recommended amount of speeding to work. I pull into my parking space with a slight screech of the tires. Confidently walk up stairs 5 minuets early, open the door to the office and ...

[To be continued TOMORROW!!!]

I'm a Nerd

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I'm BLOGGING! Blogging = Nerd. Possibly even a GEEK!

Nerd: n. Slang: A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

Geek: n. Slang: A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

Yea, according to dictionary.com they both have the same meaning. I have thought about this quite a bit, I think there's a difference. A geek is someone who does dorky things, isn't up to par with all the latest fashion and social trends and has no idea how out of sync they are. A nerd is a geek but knows that they are are't hip to the latest social trends.

I like to think of myself as a nerd, who puts forth some effort to keep up with some of the latest social trends in music, language (thank you urbandictionary.com) and style. I still do nerdy things like, surf the net, play video games, watch anime and hang out with other nerds.

I think nerdy chicks are cute, some even hot! Just by putting on glasses (as long as they have some style) could increase their hotness factor by 10! I HATE geeky chicks! They are usually extra dense when it comes to love and flirting.

Let's review,

• Nerdy chicks = OH BABY!
  
• Geeky chicks = RUN! AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

All the chicks that score A's on tests, all the chicks with glasses, all the chicks listening to their iPods on the subway. That's off the hook adorable, cute and is the sexah!

---

Random picture:


Let's not go this far:


Basic Nerd Test:

I have nerdy parents.	T / F
I have nerdy friends.	T / F
I avoid the mall like the plague.	T / F
If in the mall I go straight for the book store.	T / F

KEY:
4 Trues = You are a HARD-CORE NERD!
3 Trues = You are a powerful Nerd Dude or Nerd Babe!
2 Trues = You are a Nerd in Transformation.
1 True = You are a Nerd Wanna-Be.
0 Trues = You are a Nerd-in-Denial!

Don't trust my test, use this Nerd Test